“I am always willing to help but I won’t unless I’m asked.”
How can I help?
This mantra is a powerful boundary tool often taught by counselors and coaches for those who are naturally empathetic and inclined to assist others, and especially those who are people-pleasers due underlying psychological factors, enmeshment, trauma survival, and/ or associated learned behaviors such as:
* Low Self-Esteem: Those who struggle with low self-worth and derive their sense of value from external validation. Pleasing others becomes a way to seek approval and feel loved or accepted.
“I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.” — Carl Jung
* Fear of Abandonment: The fear of being alone or rejected can be uncomfortably intense for many. They may believe that constantly accommodating others’ needs will prevent them from leaving.
I, too, would like to join you on the couch.
* Need for Control: While it may seem counterintuitive, people-pleasing can be a way for some to exert control over their relationships. By anticipating and fulfilling others’ needs, they try to manage the situation and avoid conflict or disapproval.
“The hardest challenge is to be yourself in a world where everyone is trying to make you be somebody else.”—E.E Cummings
* Blurred Boundaries: Inter-, or co- dependant persons have difficulty distinguishing their own needs and feelings from those of others. This can lead to them prioritizing others’ desires to the point of neglecting their own well-being.
LET US IN!
* Childhood Experiences: Early experiences, such as growing up in a dysfunctional family where needs were not met, including abuse or neglect, can contribute to these tendencies. They may have learned that their value was contingent on meeting the needs of others.
“You are your best thing.” — Toni Morrison
In essence, those who survive trauma characteristically engage in people-pleasing as a way to:
* Gain approval and validation.
“Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.”― Malcolm S. Forbes
* Maintain relationships and avoid abandonment.
“Once you choose hope, anything’s possible.”
Christopher Reeve
* Feel a sense of control.
You’re afraid of surrender because you don’t want to lose control. But you never had control; all you had was anxiety. – Elizabeth Gilbert
* Cope with their own underlying insecurities.
“If there’s life, there is hope.”
Stephen Hawking
Here’s why it’s so important:
- Respects Autonomy: It prioritizes the other person’s agency and decision-making. True help comes from a place of respect, not from imposing our solutions.
- Read more here: Autonomy and Allyship
- Prevents Resentment: When we consistently help without being asked, it can lead to feelings of resentment and burnout. This mantra helps us avoid this by ensuring our help is truly wanted and appreciated.
- Read more here: Values and Valued
- Focuses on Sustainable Support: It encourages a healthier dynamic where support is offered and received in a balanced and respectful way.
- Read more here: Own Your Obstacles and Sustain Support
For those who struggle with setting boundaries:
- Practice mindful awareness: Pay attention to your internal cues when you feel the urge to help without being asked.
- Communicate your needs: Gently and assertively express your boundaries with others.
“It is the long history of humankind (and animal kind, too) that those who learned to collaborate and improvise most effectively have prevailed.” — Charles Darwin
- Seek support: If you find it challenging to set boundaries, consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor.
“I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.” —Jimmy Dean
Remember, setting healthy boundaries isn’t selfish; it’s essential for your own well-being and for building healthy relationships.
“No one will listen to us until we listen to ourselves.” ― Marianne Williamson
#caturday, #boundaries, #selfcare, #mentalhealth, #traumainformed, #counseling, #empathy, #cat, #baby